Some of you will recognize this post's title from the 1942 Bette Davis tear-jerker. Bette is a timid, neurotic, mother-dominated, frumpy spinster who decides to break away and go on a cruise by herself. She sees the world, learns to live on her own, makes wonderful new friends, and finds love. But the love she finds is not completely available; he is married. So Bette decides to accept the situation. In the movie's signature line she says she won't ask for the moon because the stars are enough.
The title comes from a short Walt Whitman poem: "The untold want by life and land ne'er granted, Now voyager sail thou forth to seek and find."
The untold want. It can take us to hard places sometimes. It can get us in trouble. It can make us realize what we left behind when we sailed forth. It puts me in mind of Dorothy's search for the Emerald City that was right in her own backyard. (I don't get to see movies here, can you tell?)
It isn't always easy being here. In fact, most of the time it's not easy. Sometimes it's almost unbearably hard. Unbearable loneliness, unbearable frustration, unbearable uncertainty. On good days I love where I am and who I'm with and write interesting blogs and take neat photos. On bad days I don't. On those days I wonder why I'm here and whether I should stay. I'm learning how to get through the bad days better: I walk somewhere near where I know someone will have a friendly smile, I read emails from dear ones, I check on how the Spurs are doing. Sometimes I pray; not as much as might help. Finally I go to sleep, trusting and knowing, after all, that there is a safe harbor for me if I need it.
Have you ever been playing in the surf and you see a nice big wave coming that you decide you'll jump or ride in? Then the wave proves much more powerful than you thought and you're thrown down to the bottom and spun around so you don't know where the surface is? You panic for a moment, but then spring up to air. It's like that alot for me here. Fortunately I've kept managing to find the surface.
But why is this all about me? Isn't doing mission supposed to be about God's work? Shouldn't that be all that matters? I don't know, maybe so. But Jesus was pretty good at doing God's work and look how much time he spent on those poor confused bumbling disciples. I bet they missed their friends and families, and wished they were back on their fishing boats sometimes, too!
The voyage is hard; and darn it, I still want the stars and the moon.
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3 comments:
Harry, I feel your pain brother. I know how you are feeling and how you are questioning your reasons for going on this mission. It is never as we expected and lets face it, the voyage is a difficult one but one worth taking. The wonderful thing about life is not the early morning cup of coffee that we take for granted but the sorrow and joy that we reflect upon while we drink that cup of coffee. How we can be thankful for our life as it is today, and each day that we have it to live. I remember before I left for my "mission" how I felt, scared and excited all at the same time. Then when I got there I realized that this is real and there I was. Harry, it changed my life forever and I will always have a part of that experience with me. It was painful, frightening, wonderful, and exciting all at the same time. Remember who you are, why you are there, get up one day at a time and take in the experience. You will leave a little of yourself there and take a little bit from all those who you come in contact with. You will find those days may seem very long, but the weeks will go by quickly and soon you will be home a changed man. Remember that nothing in life worth doing is easy, and it is always harder than we expect. The reason it seems so hard is that with this voyage you are getting the moon and the stars, you just don't know it yet.
Harry - Dorthy did discover "there's no place like home," but her wild ride and journey through Munchkinland, the Black Forest, and Oz was the necessary path to that revelation. In the process she found her authentic self, embracing what she had not known were her innate strengths -- wisdom, compassion, and courage. I suspect you will, too. (Not to be confused with Toto, too!) Love you - julie
Hi Harry,
This isn't a fully-formed thought yet but I'll share because it might provoke something.
I've been thinking a lot about why Jesus sent disciples two-by-two. Perhaps it's not so much for the effectiveness of the mission work, as I previously thought, but for the mental health and well-being of the missionaries themselves. Having that same-language, same-culture support is one thing that is hard to find in new places.
Jesse
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