The Cost of Things

I was talking to a friend in the States on the phone recently and he commented that I sounded tired. I responded quickly that, yes, I was and began to list reasons: not sleeping well, different diet, different routine, blah blah blah, then just let out, "You know, it's really hard being here."

I had known I was tired but hadn't thought about it too much till then. So I began to (in that way introverts have). Figured it was all the physical factors....walking more, not sleeping well, etc etc. Then I realized I've been here nearly 4 months and all those things should be resolved. Then a couple of other ex-pats commented without prompting how they are always tired, too. Then I noticed that everybody looks tired here.

I don't think I expected this: the physical toll of being here. I'm not sure why it is. I recall the Gospels' description of Jesus' night in Gethsemane just before his arrest. He goes off by himself awhile and when he goes back to the disciples (I think for some soul-sharing), they're asleep. He's annoyed: Can't you stay awake even now??? I don't think their fatigue is the point of the story, but it's on my mind now.

There is physical expenditure for the people who live here to be sure: poor diet, extremes of heat and cold, carrying everything and walking alot, hard work or, more exhausting, no work and hours of ennui. But I think the toll comes from the other forms of duress and I am able to share some of those experiences with them. Moving around, or trying to, is most tiring. A day through 4 or 5 checkpoints wears you down, even when you don't have to leave the car. The waiting, the soldiers shining flashlights in your face looking at you like you're crap, taking and examining your passport, looking in your bags. The sheer existence of the checkpoints and what they mean. The anger and sadness in people. The despair. My anger and sadness.

But it's not just on certain occasions, it's all the time. It's the reality of living in some places under certain conditions. My friend Jesse, working in South Africa, described it as "emotional and mental battering." It feels like getting beat up. It is getting beat up.

Now, here's the really weird part. True, I've never been tired like this before, but I've also never been alive like this before. This soul work is hard, yeah, but where else would I be right now? Nowhere. This is where I need to be. I've been given the currency to pay the cost.

Gotta run, it's almost 9 and I can't keep my eyes open. 'Night.....